King Jerry Jones Versus the Football Gods

King Jerry Jones the Wealthy

At the peak of Cowboy Mountain reigned King Jerry Jones the Wealthy, who ruled with an iron wallet.  King Jerry Jones liked to believe that the Kingdom of Dallas was the greatest in the land, and he loved showing it off by splurging on high priced luxuries such as his brand new billion-dollar-plus castle, which he and his court will be moving into next year.  He liked to keep his kingdom on the minds of the public, so he invited scribes into his castle and let them dig into his secrets so that they could then spread them throughout the land.  He didn’t care if the secrets were harmful, for you see, King Jerry Jones knew that his power grew as long as people were talking about his kingdom.  Because of his vanity, he believed that nobody could do the day-to-day job of managing his kingdom but himself, so he refused to empower anyone else with that authority, taking all the power upon himself.

King Jerry Jones  didn’t just talk, though.  He showed his strength and wealth by buying all the latest and greatest weapons he could get his hands on, no matter if those weapons were unstable and could go off at any time.  One such weapon was the “Terrible One”, or T.O. for short.  This weapon was so unstable it had almost destroyed two other kingdoms, including the Kingdom of Philly, his archrival.  But King Jerry Jones, seeing how powerful it was, knew others would tremble at the might of his army of Cowboys as long as they had T.O. in their midst.  Last year, King Jerry Jones heard of another weapon called the “Pacman”, a weapon so unstable that it had at times been banned from all the kingdoms.  Once King Jerry bought it, he used his power to have the ban lifted.

The Terrible One (aka T.O.)

Through the years, King Jerry Jones had used his money and influence to assemble the Greatest Cowboy Army Ever, so powerful and full of weapons that it was sure to destroy all the other kingdoms and make King Jerry Jones the ruler of all the land.  So, late last year, King Jerry Jones sent his Cowboys off to do battle.  They started off well with glorious victories against the Kingdoms of Cleveland, Philly and Green Bay, but then they met the hated Tribe of Redskins on the field of battle and lost.  Not to be deterred, they kept fighting.  They recovered and destroyed the Bengals of Cincinnati, but then their troubles began in earnest.  They not only lost their next battle, waged against the lowly territories of Arizona, but their fearless leader, General Romo, was injured.

Next in line of succession was an aged and crusty old man, General Lee-Bad Johnson, who had nowhere near the power of General Romo.  With Johnson in charge, the Cowboys suffered their worst defeat of the season, against the near-powerless Rams of Saint Louis.  Things improved a little afterwards.  Johnson was able to lead the Cowboys to one victory, over the dread pirates of Tampa Bay, but lost again when they encountered the feared Giants from the lands of New York.

The Cowboys were able to rest after that terrible battle, and when they were finally ready to resume their campaign of world domination, they did so with General Romo back in their midst.  True to form, Romo lead them to victory against the Redskins, who had beaten them so unexpectedly before.  They moved on, destroying the armies of San Francisco and devastating the SeaHags of the north.  The victories were short-lived.  You see, General Romo had long ago been stricken with a wicked curse, the Curse of December.

The Great Cowboy Conflict

And so the Cowboys suffered a great defeat at the hands of the thieves guild of Pittsburgh (the Stealers).  They seemed to recover, redeeming themselves against the Giants of New York, but it was soon apparent that the Curse of December was too powerful to overcome.  Their mightiest weapon, the T.O. became too unstable and finally blew up, damaging the Cowboys irreparably, and the Kingdom of Baltimore exposed their weakness in a horrible loss.  Finally, the Cowboys met the Kingdom of Philly on the field of battle for the last time.

The battle was the last chance for the Cowboys to enter the promised land, the path to dominion over all other kingdoms.  The Football Gods, however, felt that the Cowboys weren’t worthy and must not enter the promised land, also known as the Playoffs. They offered their blessings upon the Eagles (as the Kingdom of Philly was known), bestowing upon them great power beyond that which had ever been seen.  Against such power, the Cowboys could not stand, and they were destroyed, utterly and completely.

Seeing his once-powerful army of Cowboys decimated on the field of battle finally made King Jerry Jones take stock of his kingdom.  Now, as he looks back, he is beginning to see that maybe some decisions he has made have been harmful to his kingdom, and so he has finally promised his people that he will change.  Sadly, he offered no specifics, but he did state that most of his trusted advisors would remain in his presence, so it is difficult to see how real change could occur.  We, as faithful servants of the Kingdom of Dallas, and the army of the Cowboys, must simply wait and hope that our beloved King Jerry Jones has truly had an epiphany, and that he will see the error of his ways.

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